You’ll need an Ordnance Survey Map, a pair of stout boots and a packed lunch to get to the end of this week’s article, because I’m going to lead you all over the place.
I’d lead you a ‘merry dance’, but I’ve got two left feet, so my shoes are (expensively) made by a team of elderly footwear craftsmen. Who said that’s a load of old cobblers?
Before new things annoy me in 2017, I have a few concerns left over from 2016 . . .
Why does the female announcer on Radio 2 programme trailers speak as if she’s addressing six-year olds?
Her delivery’s so patronising, after she gushes “To-MORROW night, RAY-dio Two PREE-sents ROBBB-bie Williams in an EXCLUUU-sive concert RECOR-ded at BBC’s MAI-da VALE studios!”
I wait for her to continue, “But, remember children, you can ONLY listen if you eat ALL your greens AND brush your teeth first!”
Why does much of Great Britain close down for two weeks at Christmas?
Not everyone has all that time off, I know. Hospital staff, the emergency services, the police, power and utility workers etc carry on working. For which we should all be grateful.
But millions add their holiday entitlement to the Bank Holidays scattered like fallen Christmas tree pines across the last week of December and the first week of January, so they can lay on the sofa for a fortnight scoffing mince pies, watching wall-to-wall repeats of “Only Fools And Horses” on the “You’ve Seen Them All Before At Least 50 Times” Channel.
If the Three Wise Men had foreseen this is how we’d spend Christmas today, they’d have been wiser to stay at home.
Finally, why did the Grim Reaper choose 2016 to go on such a spectacular rampage through the ranks of celebrities?
It seemed we lost one every day. However, the performer whose death affected me most over the Christmas period actually died in 2003.
On Boxing Day, BBC 4 showed “Bob Monkhouse: The Last Stand”, the comedian’s final performance, filmed in front of an audience of young comedians, who clearly adored the man and his brilliant material.
I watched it with a mixture of poignancy and admiration for a true pro. It was impossible to tell how ill he was, because his love for life and the art of making people laugh shone through.
Try and find it online and start 2017 with a smile. Happy New Year!