I predict Jason will carry on regardless

I don’t claim to have psychic powers but I’m going to make a prediction that has a 99.9% chance of coming true.

Over the August Bank Holiday, ITV 2,3, or 4 will be showing back-to-back “Carry On” films across the Saturday, Sunday and Monday.

I’m confident it will come to pass because ITV have been doing this on Bank Holidays for many years as they own the rights to the films made by the Rank Organisation from the late 1960s.

There’s always been talk about reviving the series and one script, “Carry On London”, has passed through the hands of several different writers since the late 90s, with Shane Richie mentioned as a possible star.

But potential backers were possibly put off by the spectre of the disastrous 1992 attempt to bring the series back – “Carry On Columbus”, a film described as “The worst British film of all time!”

Yes! Worse than “The Sex Lives Of The Potato Men”, which Johnny Vegas has probably deleted from his CV!

But now producer Brian Baker has paid £500,000 to ITV so he can sell “Carry On” merchandise and use his earnings to make a brand new “Carry On” film.

Hmm . . .

I like the “Carry On” ‘costume’ films like “Up The Khyber” and “Cowboy”, which still look good, but many of the contemporary titles, like “Girls” and “…Again Doctor” look really cheap (which of course they were!).

The colour photography is insipid and badly lit and Sid James’ suits look like they were bought for a tenner in a closing-down sale at John Collier.

I wish Mr Baker well with his project, but I’d guess one person who won’t be eager to see a new “Carry On£ is Jason Mohammad.

You may remember when speaking to writer and “Carry On” expert Robert Ross on his Radio Wales show, Jason repeated “They’re just smut!” so many times that Robert, quite rightly, put the phone down on him.

Still, as he’s reportedly earning £355,000 a year, I’m sure Jason has been able to “Carry On Regardless!”

Life is too short to worry about everything all of the time

What will they come out with next?

Do we go for an unhealthy body to have a healthy mind?

I have been browsing through the news recently during my morning coffee and, to my surprise, as I took the first bit of my breakfast multi-grain, fibre-filled, gluten-free, wheat-free chocolate muffin, I found an article which I found truly fascinating.

Apparently, middle-aged people who are obese are far less likely to suffer from dementia-related illnesses when they reach their twilight years.  Now, this got me thinking: are the professionals now telling us that it’s OK to be overweight because it will lead to a healthy mind in the future?

Is this not totally the opposite of what we’ve been told previously – that being overweight is unhealthy?

Not long ago, alcohol was bad for you, then a report came out that a glass of red wine every evening (if you are over 60) is good for you.

So, I have come to this conclusion: life is too sort to worry about everything all of the time, “everything in moderation” is my new motto.

A cake now and then, a glass of wine here and there, some exercise and lots of cwtshes and laughter.

Now I do think I may be on to something here…

Can we bank on better service?

Here’s a tale for the modern age, which many of you will relate to.

A friend of mine went into his bank to transfer birthday money into his granddaughter’s bank account.  His bank once employed six tellers to serve customers, before the counters were replaced by machines for paying in, paying out and shaking it all about.

There are also two small counters marked “Assisted Customer Service” – a wording so patronising it suggests only the infirm or the dim want to be served by a real person.

Only one counter was manned, so my friend patiently queued for 10 minutes before he explained to the bank employee what he wanted to do.
Her ‘helpful’ response? “You know you can do that online?”

When my friend politely explained if he did online banking he wouldn’t have journeyed into the branch, the employee said, “I can’t help you, but John will”, pointing to a young man wandering around with a clipboard.

When my friend explained to ‘John’ (not his real name) what he wanted to do, ‘John’s’ ‘helpful’ response was …  “You know you can do that online?”

My friend again politely explained he didn’t do online banking so ‘John’ said that one of his colleagues would help my friend once his name was added to the list of customers waiting to be seen.

When my friend enquired about the length of the list, ‘John’ said, “You’ll be number 14!” and pointed at a crowd of people sat on sofas at the other end of the bank.

Having already spent 15 minutes getting nowhere, my friend declined the opportunity of hanging around for another hour or more in order to organise a two-minute transaction.

Though normally placid by nature, he firmly but politely told ‘John’ what he thought of the bank’s customer service and walked out.

Later, his wife, who does online banking, transferred the money.  Here’s an idea.  If all the ‘John’s’ of the banking world dumped their clipboards and got behind a counter, customer satisfaction might well improve, less branches might close and our High Streets might survive. Discuss!

Make sure summers are always sunny

Well I’ve dug out my Speedos, filled up the paddling pool, repaired the barbeque and prepared the patio area in readiness for the best summer to date.

Weather gurus Ruth Wignall and Derek Brockway are already optimistic, so that’s good enough for me.

Already every garden in the street is blooming and the local garden centres could possibly have the best trading year to date, according to reports.

Now, what we actually need for a perfect summer in Wales is our sunny days to run one after the other.  From February to November, we probably get enough beautiful sunny days to make a whole sunny summer, they are just randomly dotted throughout the year, scattered between rain, snow, hail, sleet and anything else the weather gods deem fit to throw at us.

Anyone know who I can call about this?

Just about anything is available to arrange on the internet now, so surely there is something the Met Office can do to make sure summers are always sunny?

Actually, I wonder if controlling the weather will be a thing of the future?
Off to make a few enquiries…

There’s no shortage of top female comedy writers

It’s been an unusual week (for a start, Monday wasn’t a Bank Holiday!) because I found myself saying “I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life”twice in as many days.

So, on the second day I said it, I fibbed, because I had heard something so ridiculous in all my life the previous day.  That’s when ITV’s female Head Of Comedy (who knew they needed one?) announced that for too many years, the majority of successful sitcoms and comedy dramas had been written by men.

With immediate effect, all comedy scripts written for ITV will be divided 50-50 between male and female writers.

Yes, we’ve had many brilliant male writers like Galton and Simpson; The Pythons; Muir and Norden; Croft and Perry; and the great John Sullivan.
But we’ve also been blessed with many female comedy writers – including Carla Lane; French and Saunders; Victoria Wood; and Phoebe Waller-Bridge.

If ITV commission comedy scripts based on the writer’s gender rather than whether he/she is capable of creating memorable characters and brilliantly funny lines – and maintaining that quality over many years – what does the future hold for ITV comedy?

Then, the following day, I read an article by writer Daisy Goodwin who blames the BBC’s Saturday night repeats of “Dads Army” for helping to promote Brexit!

Her reasoning? The 50-year old sitcom portrayed a ‘cosy view’ of Britain defending itself from foreign invasion.  What’s ‘cosy’ about bombs dropping on your house?

I avoid commenting on Brexit in my articles because it’s very comfortable up here on the fence – and I love the smell of creosote.

But does Ms. Goodwin, who wrote the ITV series “Victoria” which often played fast and loose with historical facts in order to make the old Queen’s life more interesting for viewers, really believe that the 17.4 million people who voted for Brexit were influenced by the tiny audience of 2 million who tune into the “Dads Army” repeats?

Answers on a postcard please. Not to me.To the Head Of ITV Comedy…

Where romance blossoms for our nation of festival-lovers

Nobody loves a good party or festival more than the Welsh.  It’s as if we were born to perform and we have been holding these events long before the invention of radio, television, internet or newspapers.  Now that’s a long time!

It’s a form of ritual, a chance to show off and feel young and alive again, which is undoubtedly a good thing.  There is so much choice in Wales . . .

Eisteddfods, food festivals, flower festivals, beer festivals, folk and jazz festivals . . .  and, my favourite, comedy festivals.

The festival scene is booming and record numbers are being recorded up and down the country, despite the fact that the weather isn’t always ideal.

These events are so important for the local economy while preserving traditions that our grandparents and great grandparents started generations before us.

It has been recorded, that many people met up with their future partners at such gatherings.  Unlike the internet dating sites of today, the festival scene was often the only way to mix with like-minded people, which made it easier to talk or chat up a future partner.

Some years back, a survey stated that the first thing men noticed about women was their eyes.  Following this survey, women observed that the men in this survey were a bunch of liars.