Festival’s ‘florets’ funny lost its impact for me

Whether they keep them hidden inside expensively tailored suits or beneath creased tee-shirts and un-pressed jeans, comedians have a concealed arsenal of weapons about their persons.

They bring out the cache at every performance, so that when the time comes for them to vacate the stage, they’ll be able to do so with the sound of the audiences’ laughter still ringing in their ears.  Well, that’s the theory…

As my more astute readers (that’s 99% of you – sorry, Uncle Cledwyn!) realise, the comedian’s arsenal is comprised of monologues, jokes, gags, one-liners, witty observations and carefully rehearsed, sharply honed ad-libs.  They are all created in the hope that every audience they perform to is reduced to helpless laughter.

However, comedy is subjective and what amuses one laughter-lover, might leave 20 other people cold.  I think those 20 people were at my last-but-one gig.  And that laughter-lover stayed home!

I’ve been to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival several times and have seen many brilliant performers who created waves of laughter with great material.  So, when I read what was voted ‘The Best Joke’ of this year’s festival, I was a little disappointed.

Here it is, uncut and uncensored . . .

I keep randomly shouting out “Broccoli” and “Cauliflower”. I think I might have Florets.

It’s very cleverly constructed and the judges obviously liked it, but the joke lost its initial impact with me because I had to look up what the word ‘Florets’ meant.

Budding comedians make note.  Never tell a joke you think only a small percentage of the audience will find funny.  Try for maximum laughs from the maximum number of people for the maximum time you’re on stage.

Next stop . . . Hammersmith Apollo!

Well, that’s the theory . . .

The Edinburgh joke disappointed me because it reminded me of one I noodled around with years ago but never put in my act . . .

I come from a long line of sooth-sayers. Except for my grandfather who went around shouting “Cream of tomato!” “Mulligatawny!” and “Carrot & Coriander!”  He was a soup-sayer !

You know what?  I might head to Edinburgh next year and see if it wins!

Why am I always stuck in the slow lane in supermarkets?

There are two possible queues in the supermarket . . . Why is it the one you decide to go for is always the slowest to move?

There is always that one customer in it who has picked the only product in the whole store with no price on.  Or the checkout operator decides to plonk the ‘checkout closed’ sign right before your shopping pile. Does this only happen to me?

It’s the same at the cashpoint.  I always end up standing behind the person who decides now would be a good time to print out and check a monthly statement, check the balance on all four of their accounts and then print out receipts for each transaction!

Then, there is that fleeting thought that goes through your mind . . . shall I change queues?  You battle with this little voice inside your head telling you “NO!” as you know that, as soon as you move, your original queue will move at the speed of light!

So, you move queues anyway, despite the little voice and Yes, your original queue starts moving quicker than Usain Bolt off the starting blocks . . .

Please tell me this doesn’t only happen to me?