Cat’s no way to talk about pets…

A few weeks ago, while rambling on about the many unanswered questions that worry me, I jokingly asked “Can vegetarians bring home the bacon?”

Well, it turns out I shouldn’t have.

Not according to The People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals (PETA), who believe the expression ‘Bring home the bacon’ might traumatise pigs and want it replaced by ‘Bringing Home The Bagels’.

Preferably not filled with ham!

They also want “Take The Bull By The Horns” replaced by “Take The Flower By The Thorn!”  Ouch! Surely you take flowers by the stem?

My recent article about my ‘Pet Peeves’ might also incur the wrath of PETA, who, despite having an acronym that incorporates the word PET, want the ‘P’ word replaced by ‘Companion’ because the word Pet is derogatory to animals, making them sound inferior to humans.

Look, I like animals and don’t feel particularly superior to them, but if I ever need a tooth out, my eyes tested or a knee operation, I’d rather put my trust in a dentist, optician and surgeon than a labradoodle, hamster and a goldfish.

PETA wants lots of other age-old expressions changed and in the case of ‘Let the cat out of the bag’…banned outright, as according to their Media Officer Jennifer White, “Cats shouldn’t be in bags!”

I agree. They shouldn’t. Although it’s a big help when you take one to the vet.

However, the expression isn’t an insult to moggies. It refers to the ‘Cat O’ Nine Tails’, a nasty-looking whip used to punish 18th Century sailors.   Whenever they saw it removed from the bag it was kept in, they knew to expect trouble!

PETA want the expression ‘To Kill Two Birds With One Stone’ replaced by ‘To Feed Two Birds With One Scone!’ and (please don’t laugh) ‘Flogging A Dead Horse’ replaced by ‘Feeding A Fed Horse’.

Feeding a horse that’s already full of hay, makes about as much sense as taking a Cat O’ Nine Tails to a deceased equine.

Must dash. I want to ‘phone the Cardiff Motorpoint Arena and book tickets to see The Companion Shop Boys this summer…