Daytime viewing is so testing

People who work between midnight and dawn, such as nurses, doctors, police, fire and ambulance services etc are said to be on the ‘Graveyard Shift’.  Anyone over 60, unfortunately stuck in front of the terrestrial TV channels every weekday must feel they’re on the ‘One-Foot-In-The-Graveyard Shift’.

Cheap daytime ‘lifestyle’, ‘property’, ‘cookery’, ‘antique hunting’ and ‘consumer’ programmes – all of which are apparently made in batches of 5000 – are in the same time slots five days a week, year in, year out.

If you started watching on a Monday morning switching between BBC One and Two, ITV One and Channel 4, by Wednesday lunchtime you’ll be convinced you’ve broken a mirror and the bad luck fairies had condemned you to re-live Groundhog Day for all eternity.

Whenever I’ve been home with man ’flu, watching a few hours of daytime TV is a real motivator to get well as quickly as possible.

I don’t see the point of watching shows in which families are flown to the other side of the world to see if they’d like to settle there, then after a day or two they realise, “Hey! If we move here we won’t be able to visit Mum and Dad every day…or see Phil Evans ‘live’!”

Everybody back on the plane! Thanks for the free holiday!

If the programmes are depressing, the ads in between are worse.

One features an unknown actor, who has waited 75 years for this sort of TV exposure, who smugly boasts to his uninterested neighbour that his family won’t have to worry about paying his ‘final expenses’ because he’s had the foresight and the cash to pay for them himself.

How cheery this one must seem to not-so-well-off pensioners on cold, grey wintery afternoons in the middle of “Countdown”, the title of which unfortunately reminds viewers of a certain vintage they’re living on borrowed time.

If ever I enter politics, I promise to scrap daytime TV and bring back The Test Card.

It might sound a bit retro, but just think.  No more Jeremy Kyle!