‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘hello… weight’s going on here then?

The more curious amongst us will always be asking questions, not all of which can be easily answered. Like… What is an occasional table the rest of the time?

If they can manufacture disinfectants that kill 99% of all known germs, why haven’t they tracked down that elusive one percent?

A current question that’s worth asking is, why are so many police officers putting on weight?

Before I elaborate (they can’t touch you for it provided there’s an ‘R’ in the month and you keep away from the window while you do it) I should say that I do have a family connection with the police.  I’m not sure what his rank is, but Maldwyn, my third cousin on his brother’s mother’s milkman’s side, is always helping them with their enquiries.

While I haven’t noticed many big-boned bobbies around my way, Chief Superintendent Lucy Hutson of Hampshire Constabulary has admitted that an astonishing 70% of her force of 2,700 is overweight…and in some cases can even be described as obese.

To be honest I wouldn’t fancy walking up to a burly PC and telling him that to his face – although it’s unlikely he’d be able to catch me when I immediately ran away.

It’s not just in Hampshire that the cops are chubbing-up.  Recently the Metropolitan Police had to order nine super-sized uniforms with 61-inch waists!

Can you imagine a pair of trousers with a sixty-one inch waist?

You could stand Kylie Minogue and Debbie McGee in each leg…depending on their joint availability at the time…and if they’d agree to stand in the leg of a fat policeman’s trousers.

Were the uniforms ordered for nine overweight officers or just one who’s so clumsy he regularly spills curry sauce down his front so needs several spares on hand?

Eventually, this trend for the boys in blue to keep expanding is bound to spill over into the world of TV crime shows.

So maybe we can look forward to…

Ice Cream Van Der Valk.

Milk Chocolate Magnum P.I.

The (Restaurant) Bill.

Father Brown Sauce.


CSI: Greggs.

Not so much ‘Who-Dun-Its?’ more ‘Who-Ate-Its?’…