Regular readers know I often use this page to rant about my pet peeves – of which I have a long list!
What they don’t know is, I also have pet snakes, pet birds, pet goats and a pet crab. Well, he used to be a pet, but for the last month he’s been hibernating in the freezer, waiting to be cooked.
While he was alive we had lots of fun, playing war games, recreating famous battles of World War Two – and d’you know what? Without fail, the little blighter always used to win. He was a master of the pincer movement.
If he hadn’t annoyed me by winning all the time, he might still be chilling on my sofa watching back-to-back episodes of “Blue Planet” instead of chilling in my freezer. This leads to the point I want to make – which is a peeve about pets.
Not mine. Other peoples…
Last week I read an article about a South Wales rugby team who were unable to play on their home pitch in the first game of the New Year because, over the Christmas holidays, dozens of dog walkers had allowed their pets to do their business on the grass…then merrily walked away without clearing it up.
That is outrageous!
When I’m President, such irresponsible behaviour will be punished with 30 years hard labour!
The nasty stuff was spread right across the pitch, so the rugby players had to cancel the fixture and spend the day clearing up the mess.
There was so much, they filled 18 refuse sacks. Forget hard labour. I’d make it a capital offence! Who’s with me on that?
Okay, dog owners may occasionally forget to take a doggy-doo bag with them when they take their pet for a ‘walk’. But this particular mess had accumulated over a couple of weeks on daily dog walks by lazy, thoughtless people who don’t realise pound shop doggy-doo bags are cheaper than paying a £50 fine for dog fouling.
President Phil would increase it to £5000. Remember! If you own a dog, you own its log! So clean it up!