When I’m trawling through newspapers for ideas to entertain my readers, I’ll often come across a headline that leaps out at me, grabs me by the lapels and says, “Phil, mate, you have to say something about this!”
For example . . . “Drunken ballerina kicks policeman in the groin after missing flight!”
I’m almost, but not quite, ashamed to say that when I saw it, my comedy instinct took over and I thought ,“She must have been rehearsing for the Nutcracker Suite”.
I know very little about the world of ballet. For years, I thought a ‘Pas De Deux’ was a French father of two. And, yes, I’m aware that it was an assault on one of our brave boys in blue, who face enough aggro on a daily basis without having to contend with a petite dancer who’d obviously spent far tutu much time at the barre. But, be fair. It was a funny headline.
How often do you see the words ‘Drunken’, ‘Groin’ and ‘Ballerina’ in the same sentence – unless you’re privy to some unsavoury backstage secrets at Sadler’s Wells?
Another headline that grabbed my attention was the one that claimed “The Loch Ness Monster Is A Giant Eel”. According to scientists who analysed DNA in the water, the eel is 13 foot in length. Hardly ‘monster size’. I’ve eaten spaghetti longer than that! Besides, eels have a life cycle.
Depending on the species and their habitat (no, I’m not after Sir David Attenborough’s job) they can live up to 25 years. To me, that blows a hole the size of Godzilla in the giant eel theory, because the Loch Ness monster was first seen around 900 years ago.
Unfortunately, there are no photographs available because the monk who spotted it had run out of film the day before. And being a Trappist, he couldn’t ask any of his fellow monks if they had a spare camera. What a shame!
As far as I’m concerned there’s definitelyan enormous prehistoric monster in Loch Ness and I’ll continue to believe it for as long as I’ve got shares in the Scottish Tourist Board.