‘Hits to die for’ at your funeral service

When I was a lad, I barely heard anyone talking about Death.  It was a taboo subject, whispered about by elderly relatives behind closed doors over glasses of sweet sherry and a shared packet of pork scratchings several months past their sell-by date. (Yes, I do come from aristocratic stock. I just can’t hide it)

But how things have changed!

If you spend any time at home during the working week, when The World & His Wife (is Mrs World an ex-Miss World?) are out earning a living, and tune into the appalling cheap and cheerless guff that TV schedulers believe daytime viewers deserve, you’ll find the Grim Reaper hiding between every commercial break, waiting to pounce on you before you can switch channels.

A while back I pointed out that numerous daytime telly commercials are for life insurance and funeral plans.  At the time, these products weren’t really on my personal radar.  But recently, someone somewhere found out I’ll no longer see 39 again and has bombarded me with junk mail about those ‘Final Expenses’.

To persuade me to respond, they always contain the ‘tempting’ offer of a free pen.  If there’s one thing I don’t need is a free pen – provided my bank keeps forgetting to chain theirs down.

Funeral companies regularly announce the Top 10 favourite popular songs which for many families have replaced traditional hymns, adding a more personal touch to the service.

“My Way” by Frank Sinatra, the Number One choice for a long time, has been replaced by “Stairway To Heaven” by Led Zeppelin, while hovering close to the top are “Unforgettable” by Nat ‘King’ Cole, “Another One Bites The Dust” by Queen and “Highway To Hell” (!) by AC/DC.

I think I’ve spotted a marketing opportunity.  As daytime telly often features ads for CD collections of old pop hits, the next logical step is a CD of favourite funeral songs!

In a few months, watch out for me appearing in the middle of “Countdown” flogging the triple CD “HITS TO DIE FOR”

As you might guess, it won’t be available in the shops!