SEX FOR SALE!  (Do not read if easily offended).

Yes, I thought that might attract your attention. And unlike a lot of advertising that uses sexual imagery and the hint of a promise of amazing, guilt-free sex to reel-in gullible consumers, this blog will not leave you unsatisfied or frustrated. Hopefully you’ll find it highly pleasurable – purely in a comedic way of course. I do have my standards after all. Okay, I might have no idea where I left them –  probably at the back of the garage behind a stack of old paint tins under a greasy tarpaulin. But believe me, they’re around somewhere.

This time my blog will be exploring the world’s oldest profession, which is not, as I used to think, the life assurance industry. No, it turns out that’s the third oldest profession after Ark building. The world’s oldest profession is and always will be…prostitution, which is defined as “The practice or occupation of engaging in sexual activity with someone for payment “. Substitute three words (a marriage certificate) for one word (payment) and we’re into a whole new ball game – no sexual pun intended.

Just ponder on that for a moment. I don’t go to church or chapel on Sunday anymore myself (I’m a five-dayAdventist – I don’t go anywhere at weekends) but when I did attend chapel we were always told that sex before marriage is wrong. Is a sin. Is punishable by Hellfire and Damnation etc. Which, of course, stirred the vivid imaginations of us adolescents and created much more of an interest in it than if it had never been mentioned.

But, we were also told that if we got married, then sex would be absolutely fine. Well maybe it wasn’t ‘fine’ in the first few weeks, because we didn’t really know what we were doing. It was more a case of it being clumsy and awkward…but bloody good fun nevertheless.

It felt like we were being told….“Hey you two! Got a marriage certificate? Then go ahead. Have sex as often as you like. Feel free to bonk your brains out. Because you stood up in church or in front of a registrar and, watched by friends and family, admitted in veiled terms, ‘I want to marry this person so we can engage in carnal pleasures without fear of being thrown into the deepest pit in Hades!’ ”.

Let’s not be coy, stripped of all the vows, the pomp, the hymns, the champagne and wedding cake cut into miniscule slices so there’d be enough to hand around to 200 guests, that’s what it was all about.  You got married, sex was yours to enjoy. A prostitute doesn’t need a certificate to let you enjoy sex. Just your cash.

Being a man of the world – and various parts of Powys – I realise that prostitution might be regarded as a pretty heavy subject by some of you, so let me lighten things a little with a story to tickle your funny bone…and any other part of your anatomy you fancy being tickled. See. We’re already ankle deep in mucky innuendo.

Doris, a lady of the night, is walking down a Soho side street when she sees her colleague Wendy standing in a doorway looking very tired. Doris says to Wendy “How’s business?” and Wendy says “Doris, love, it’s been non-stop. I’ve been up and down these stairs all night!”. To which Doris says…“Oh, your poor feet!”

Which reminds me, years ago I bumped into a prostitute in Swansea at three in the morning. She said “I’ve had a quiet night and I’m ready to go home. I normally charge a hundred quid, but I’ll do anything you like for fifty pounds, if you can describe it in three words!”.

So I said “Paint…my…house!”

You might think I write my blogs very quickly at one sitting and just put down the first thoughts that come into my head as I stare at the laptop. But you’d be wrong. Because if I did that, every blog would start with “I must remember to scrape that piece of corned beef pie off the screen” .

The fact is, I spend many hours and weeks of research on my blogs. And never more so than for this particular subject. Unselfishly I have, on behalf of my readers and certainly not for my own personal titillation, delved deep into the world of prostitution and met ladies who ply their trade (and I don’t mean corned beef ply) in person, face to face and on the internet. The things I do for you lot!

My research revealed something shocking. The sex industry is huge. And aside from prostitution and porn I include advertising in this category because advertisers and the companies they make the ads for, know that anything to do with sex has an interest, commercial value and an enormous following.

In fact there’s an enormous woman following me around at the moment.  Everywhere I go, she’s there.  And it’s scary. I’d take out a restraining order on her, but she’s so bloody huge they can’t find one big enough to restrain her. You may say I’m being ‘fattist’ but if she stood next to me, you’d see that she was definitely the fattest.

Industry and marketing experts have known that sexual imagery helps to sell products for many years and use it to their advantage.

I don’t know if this still happens in the motor industry, because it does seem rather sexist in 2014, but there was a time when, as every brand new model of car manufactured by Ford, Vauxhall, Massey Ferguson etc, was unveiled to the press and public, as the curtains drew back, there would always be a minimum of two scantily clad girls draped over the bonnet. These cars were so shiny, so highly waxed and polished, gleaming under the lights and in the glow of photographer’s flash bulbs, there was always a danger the girls would slide off and crash to the floor in an ungainly manner.  But they never did. Maybe their bikini bottoms were Velcro’d to the metal?

Which brings me back to prostitution. Not as a personal lifestyle choice. As a blog subject.

Brace yourselves. Prostitution has always been around and always will be as we have clearly seen that where there is a demand there will always be a supply.

To get to the source of this information and in order for me to get a feel of the subject, first hand, I was advised by a very good friend to interview the people at the sharp end of this industry. This wasn’t easy, I felt uncomfortable and at times a little bit frightened. However, being a stand up comedian I get frightened most nights, so with that in mind I took on the challenge.

I wouldn’t say that this has been my biggest challenge to date, but it’s up there in the top ten. The ladies, and sometimes men, at the sharp end are often just like you and me.  They have bills to pay, need somewhere to rest their heads at night and have a cousin in Northampton called Kenny who is in the middle of a trans-gender procedure.

Or is that just me?

They do what they do for various reasons. Some do it to fund their lifestyle, some for commercial reasons to survive and a small minority do it because they’re highly sexed and enjoy it.  They make up less than 10% though, which means the chances of a client having sex with a prostitute who is enjoying it as much as he is, are about as thin as the contraceptive she will demand he wears before attempting lift off.

Unfortunately, it is also true that some have been forced into the trade, and over time it has become a necessary but bleak, joyless way of life.

No doubt there are very dark sides to this industry. With some very long lasting issues and challenges for the people involved. We don’t have time to go into all that now, but if you watch the news or read the ‘papers you’ll be aware of people trafficking, a large portion of which involves bringing foreign girls here and setting them up as prostitutes. A sad, terrible state of affairs which I hope will be eradicated, given time.

I was surprised to learn (call me naive) that these workers don’t only provide a service for young, drunk men, following a night out with the lads, but often for lonely middle-aged men including the disabled.  Many ladies of the night (this euphemism also refers to those who start work at the same time the Ken Bruce show begins on Radio Two) offer a valuable service to society and can put forward a convincing case.

There are also some who think that the service should be provided by the NHS in some cases. Especially some disabled or physically challenged individuals.

I was also surprised to learn that many of the sex workers have families and partners and when not working, lead normal lives. In some instances there is acceptance and approval by partners.  I’m not sure how that would work in reality.

“Hi honey, I’m home!”

 “Come in, dear. Make yourself comfortable and stand-up for a while”

Clearly sex has commercial value and draws attention, curiosity and traffic. This is something that can’t be argued. Let’s face it, you know I’m right about this.

I undertook this exercise in order to get your attention and to drive traffic to this site and it’s the reason that you’re on my web site reading this blog.

Admit it, I’m right aren’t I?  This exercise has worked.

One final, pithy comment on prostitution that I remember hearing a wise old Jewish guy explain on the radio, years ago.

Prostitution is the perfect business model. Just consider how it works. You’ve got it. You sell it. You’ve still got it!”

Thank you for reading and please share.