Sherlock and the mystery of missing reality

According to a report I read in this very newspaper, the Police are searching for a thief in a pizza costume who stole two bottles of beer from a Barry take-away.

Or, he may have stolen two pizzas while wearing a bottle of beer costume. I’m a bit confused.

In fact for the last couple of weeks, my brain has been suffering from a severe case of bamboozled befuddlement.

I’ve no doubt you’ll be feeling the same way, if you also sat through “The Final Problem”, the last episode of “Sherlock” series 4.

While it was being broadcast, I was glued to the TV – my own sticky fault for trying to combine viewing with putting together a plastic model aeroplane kit – but by the time it ended I hadn’t the slightest idea what had occurred during the previous 90 minutes. Or why it had occurred.

And indeed, to whom it all occurred and who it was who caused it all to occur. You can safely assume I had no idea what was occurrin’.

Most of the action took place in a series of rooms deep below a remote, James Bond style high-security prison located somewhere in the North Atlantic – which anyone who knows Tenby would have immediately recognised as St. Catherine’s Island.

The plot was deliberately convoluted, full of tricks, twists and even some downright cheating.

One minute Holmes and Watson were jumping out of a window to escape an explosion. A moment later they were on board a fishing boat out at sea.

Wholly implausible – Batman!

When no explanation was given, I realised the Great Detective we’ve all admired in fiction and film had become a self-indulgent conman.

Apparently, the series writers sometimes concoct their storylines on train journeys between Cardiff and London. On the evidence of the last episode, they ran out of ideas at Bristol Parkway.

If the series returns, instead of featuring criminals so fiendishly clever they can talk for ages to the ‘brilliant’ Sherlock from behind their six-inch thick glass prison wall without him realising there is no glass *, the storylines should be more rooted in reality.

Sherlock could try solving the mystery of the pizza thief dressed as a beer bottle. Or he could conclude whether a beer bottle thief found dead wearing a pizza costume was murdered . . . or if he topped himself!

*Winner: ’That Really Takes The Biscuit’ Award 2017.